Have you ever thought about doing something but then didn’t do it because you were scared of what others might think about you? Have you spent sleepless nights replaying that one ’embarrassing’ moment from months ago in your mind? I have been there too. However, I’m thankful that I learned to not care about what people think of me.
Now, I aim to help you overcome this fear that hinders you from embracing great experiences and achieving your goals.
I’m the kind of person who loves to dig deep and uncover the ‘why’ behind our actions. That’s why I delved into some research to understand why we’re wired to care so much about what others think of us.
Why we care what other people think of us
It is in our genes
When we entered this world, our survival hinged on our parents’ care – they fed us, cleaned us, and tended to our every need. The bond we shared with them was crucial for our survival.
From early in our lives, we were instinctively wired to care about other people. We needed more than just physical care; our emotional needs required fulfillment too. Caring about what others think of us is deeply ingrained in our nature, as it helps us maintain essential social connections and relationships.
This is evident when we reflect on our past as we grow older.
We learned to care during childhood
Once we started to make friends, we knew how great it felt, and how amazing it is to fit in and to be liked. But, on the flip side, we were hurt when someone rejected us.
The fear of not fitting in or being rejected is something most of us desperately want to avoid, so we often go to great lengths to fit in. We might change ourselves just to be accepted, thinking that if we showed our true selves, nobody would want to be around us.
It’s fascinating how evolutionary psychology comes into play here. The fear of being rejected from a group has deep roots. Survival instincts suggest that being cast out could lead to survival disadvantages, which is why we instinctively dread rejection.
In fact, research from Michigan University in the United States even found that the brain’s response to rejection overlaps with the way it reacts to physical pain.
Our brains are wired to protect us from the pain of rejection, so we develop strategies to avoid it. Sometimes, this means avoiding social situations altogether, or even losing sleep over past ’embarrassing’ moments (trust me, I’ve been there).
We want to feel seen
Our ancestors evolved to thrive within communities, and this ingrained need for acceptance is a part of our DNA. But it’s not just about connecting with people; we also yearn to be seen and cared for. That’s why we tend to care about what others think of us.
Why it is okay to care
It’s perfectly natural to care about what others think, but here’s the exciting part – we have the power to shape our own narrative and grow beyond the constraints of external judgments.
I don’t believe we can ever completely stop caring about what others think of us. After all, we’re only human, and we thrive on social interaction. We’ll always value the opinions of those who matter to us, especially our closest loved ones. In fact, these opinions help us build meaningful relationships and enhance our lives.
Listening to what others have to say can broaden our perspectives, provide us with valuable feedback, and contribute to our personal growth. Of course, this holds true when it comes from people whose opinions genuinely count. But…
Where do we draw the line?
It’s absolutely okay to care, but it’s never okay to let other people dictate your life choices because you’re anxious about what they might think.
We draw the line when other people’s opinions hinder us from living a life on our terms. We draw the line when we don’t try out new things because we fear other people are going to laugh at us or because we think we will look “stupid”. We draw the line when our dreams remain uncharted due to these fears.
Sometimes, we just get too much in our heads. We create and replay worst case scenarios in our head, over and over again, until we decide to not move forward because it is too scary. We think it is too scary to do the thing we so desperately want to try out because they could laugh about us.
But you know what is actually scary? Looking back on our lives in 30-40 years and regretting not taking chances or trying things out, whatever they might be.
This actually made me realize how extremely dangerous this fear is.
Ever since I shifted my perspective from ‘What may they think?’ to ‘What if I never get to live the life I want because of other people’s opinions,’ I just stopped caring.
Okay, maybe not completely. However, I no longer let other people’s opinions hold me back from chasing my goals or trying out new things. To me, not reaching my full potential and missing out on new experiences is far scarier.
Let’s move on to the most interesting part.
How do I stop caring what people think about me?
Number 1: You are not that important
Don’t take it personally, let me explain. Every person on this planet has their own life.
Their own routines, friends, hobbies and everything else. Most of their time, they are probably very much concerned with their own life, and not so much with the life of others.
So, do you really think that after they have worked all day long, hit the Gym, and then met their friends or just chill at home, they still have the time to think about you in between? I don’t think so.
And even if they do, that probably makes up a tiny amount of their time. They may laugh or talk (or nothing at all), but then immediately move on with their day.
Think back at a day when you laughed about someone or where you thought “Umm, weird”. Were you concerned with that one moment for the entire day and days moving forward? Probably not.
The same applies to everyone else. What I try to remind myself of when these thoughts come up is that I am not that important that people are actually spending their precious time thinking about me, judging me, or laughing about me. And even if they do, I will never even know because I have nothing to do with people like that.
Number 2: Don’t take everything personally
People always have something to say, don’t they? But here’s the thing, most of the time, what they say has absolutely nothing to do with you.
When someone forms an opinion about you, they’re often just projecting their insecurities, struggles, and life experiences onto you. I mean, how else can they possibly build an opinion, right? So, my advice is this: don’t take it all too seriously, and don’t let it get to you.
It’s perfectly okay for some people’s opinions to matter to you. I’m not here to tell you never to ask for anyone’s opinion. But here’s the catch: choose wisely.
Let’s say you’re thinking about growing your Instagram account, but your mom doesn’t even have an Instagram account. Does it really make sense to ask her for advice? Probably not, even though you value her opinion.
Or imagine you’re considering starting a business, and your best friend has never ventured into the world of side hustles because they’ve got a 9 to 5 job. It doesn’t add up to seek their advice in that case.
They might warn you about the risks and such, but remember, it’s just their own fears projected onto you.
Don’t let their opinions stop you from making the decisions that matter most, or trying new things. In the end, it should be you who’s in the driver’s seat, making the calls. After all, it’s your life and your journey.
Number 3: Take action
This realization has been a game-changer for me. I used to be plagued by worries and endless overthinking, especially when it came to things like starting this very blog. The fear of putting myself out there, opening myself to potential judgment or laughter, held me back.
But now, my mindset has shifted. It’s all about taking that first step. When you have a desire, don’t let overthinking paralyze you. Just take action and learn along the way.
You know what I’ve learned? What other people think, well, it’s none of your business. And here’s the kicker – those who might talk about you are often those who aren’t even in your inner circle. They simply don’t matter.
Always remember, those who are out there doing more than you? They’re not the ones judging. However, those who do might even admire you because you’ve got the courage to start something they’re too afraid of. You might even inspire them to do the same.
Number 4: Surround yourself with people who care about you
And I am talking about people who genuinely care about you. As we know by now, as humans, we need to feel connected and cared for.
However, we should never try to fit in just to be liked. What’s truly valuable is to have a small circle that actually cares about you, and not just the version of you that puts on a mask, but the real you. People who love and care for you the way you are.
Bottom Line
So, all things considered, it’s perfectly natural for us humans to care about what others think of us, to some extent. But here’s the deal – don’t ever let other people’s opinions become chains holding you back from living life the way you want, or from trying out exciting new things.
In the grand scheme of things, what truly matters is what you think of yourself. You’ve got the power to make your own choices and don’t forget to only ask the right people for advice, if at all.
