“Comparison is the thief of joy.” I think we all know this phrase, and we know it’s true, yet we continue to fall into this comparison trap. And as women, I feel like we’re even more likely to compare ourselves to other women. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never compared myself to a man. So, in this post, I will give you practical advice to stop comparing yourself to other women!
Why do I compare myself to other women?
There can be many reasons why you compare yourself to other women. A common reason is low self-esteem. For me, this was definitely the case. And so, when you’re feeling unhappy and insecure about yourself and your life, it’s easy to start comparing everything.
From your appearance to your education to your relationships. Additionally, comparison can go both ways. You might compare yourself to feel worse, or you might do it to feel better about yourself. Like when you think someone is doing “worse” than you.
Another reason you might be comparing yourself is because of today’s “standards” of what society thinks makes you successful. You know, graduating, having a successful career, making as much money as possible, having a partner, kids, and a house. And of course, society sets a time limit for what age you should achieve each of these things.
Plus, social media can definitely add to the pressure we put on ourselves, seeing others showcase all their achievements and milestones.
So either way, it is extremely important to break this vicious cycle. Otherwise, continuing to compare yourself to other women will keep you unhappy, even if you reach all the goals you’ve set for yourself that you think will make you happy.
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Women
Now, let’s go through every step you can take to stop comparing yourself to other women and instead start using it to your advantage.
1. Define Success
As I said before, society has already set the standard for what supposedly makes us successful and happy. And it’s okay to want things like money, a career, a spouse, kids, and a house.
However, you really need to think about how you define success.
Action step: What does it mean to you? Does success mean making as much money as possible? Does it mean fulfillment? Or does it mean family? Or maybe all three?
Once you define what success actually means to you, you can free yourself from these societal standards and timelines and start creating a life that you want. Not what others think you should have.
2. Work on Your Negative Beliefs
This might be the most important step. As I mentioned earlier, comparison often stems from insecurities about yourself and your life. You might find yourself having negative thoughts like:
- “I am so behind in life.”
- “I am a failure.”
- “I am not as beautiful as her.”
- “My smile isn’t as attractive as hers.”
Action Step: Write down your negative beliefs and comparative thoughts. Then, ask yourself: “Are these actually true? Like 100% true?” I’m sure they aren’t. Now, write down a positive counter-belief for each negative thought. Then, find evidence to reinforce that new belief. This process can help you cultivate a more positive mindset and reduce the impact of comparison on your self-worth.
Example: Instead of saying “I am failure”, try saying: “Every “failure” has been an opportunity to learn, and every “failure” has led me in the right direction”.
3. Gratitude Practice
Yes, I know you’ve heard it all before, and I was right there with you. Until I actually gave it a shot. Believe me, practicing gratitude is one of the best and easiest ways to shift your mood in the morning, setting a positive tone for the entire day. Not only that, but by focusing on the things you are grateful for, you shift your focus away from what you think you lack.
Definitely give it a try because if you can’t be grateful for what you have right now, how can you ever feel grateful when you reach your goals? Start now!
Action Step: Every morning, write down at least three things you are grateful for and proud of. I started with just three, but now I’m at nine every morning. Over time, you’ll find more and more things to be grateful for.
4. Compare Yourself to Your Past Self
The best thing you can do for yourself is see yourself as your only competition. By comparing yourself to your past self or even just yesterday’s self, you shift your focus away from other women and back to your own journey. After all, you’re only in control of your thoughts and actions.
Action Step: The best way to do this is to reflect on your progress once a week or every couple of weeks. Think about how far you’ve come, what skills you’ve learned, how you’ve grown as a person, and what you want to improve. Aim to get just 1% better every day because, in the end, those small improvements will really add up! Become so obsessed with your own personal growth journey and life that you honestly don’t have time to compare yourself to other women.
5. Celebrate Every Single Achievement
Sometimes we get so focused on the big picture and our major goals that we overlook the small steps that actually lead us there. Instead of fixating on the end goal, try to celebrate every single achievement, no matter how small you think they are. They all matter.
Action Step: Write down every time you reach a goal, whether it’s sticking to your gym routine, finishing a book, or receiving positive feedback after a presentation. No matter how small, be your own cheerleader and be proud of yourself. (Plus, this practice will boost your self esteem and confidence!)
6. 20 Things You Love About Yourself
I did this practice last year when I felt miserable about myself and was constantly comparing myself to others. Instead of looking at other women’s achievements, looks, and so on, why not take a moment to reflect on your own?
Action Step: On your phone’s notes app, write down 20 things you love about yourself. Include your strengths, personality traits, and even aspects of your appearance that you love. Write down at least 20, but aim for more.
Then, whenever you feel insecurities arise, pull up that list as a reminder of how truly amazing you are.
7. No One Is Perfect
And then you find yourself looking at all those Instagram models, thinking, “Well, she is!” But no, actually, she’s not. What we often forget is that these people only show their best days. When you’re lying in bed feeling miserable and checking Instagram, seeing everyone looking happy makes it easy to think they have it all figured out. But that’s simply not true.
We really don’t know what those people are going through behind the scenes, so it makes no sense to compare yourself to other women you see online. Focus instead on yourself.
Action Step: Consider deleting social media apps. Or if that feels too extreme, set a time limit and stick to it. I took a break from social media last year for a couple of months, and let me tell you, it felt freaking amazing. Truly one of the best decisions I made. While this won’t completely solve the problem and you might still find yourself triggered in real life, social media bombards you with so much content that only fuels the comparison game from one highlight reel to another.
Another tip: Unfollow anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself and who triggers your tendency to compare yourself to them. And instead, follow people who inspire you and from whom you can learn.
8. Find What Lights You Up
When you compare yourself to other women it often means you’re feeling unhappy and unfulfilled with your life and yourself. So, this is actually a great opportunity to think about what you really want and what lights you up. What in life are you missing?
I know that for me, when I was stuck in a job that didn’t fulfill me, I found myself comparing myself a lot because I wasn’t happy. I was constantly looking at others who seemed to be thriving. But once you find that one thing that brings you joy and lights you up, everything starts to change, and your need for comparison will decrease along with it.
Action Step: Think about a time when you felt truly fulfilled and alive. What were you doing? Take some time to reflect on this question and then take action. Whether you make it a hobby, a side hustle, or something else, make it a priority to bring that passion into your life.
9. Comparison Can Also Be Productive
I don’t think comparing yourself to other women has to always be a bad thing. Unless, of course, it becomes self-destructive and you find yourself consumed by other people’s lives (their successes, relationships, and whatnot) so much so that you might even start hating yourself and your life.
However, you can also use comparison to your advantage. The truth is, when you compare yourself to other women, it often reveals something they have that you wish you had. Whether it’s in terms of their career, style, relationships, or lifestyle.
9.1 Understand Your Triggers
So, it’s important to start understanding what exactly triggers you. These triggers can actually push you in the right direction. For example, let’s say you compare yourself to a successful woman who has made coaching her profession. Now, ask yourself what triggers you about her and what emotions you feel. Do you feel anxious, angry, or insecure? Dig deep to get to the root of it.
Example Questions:
- Is it her profession? Do you secretly wish to be a coach too?
- Do you feel insecure because she seems to be making more money?
- Is it that she’s doing work that fulfills her? Do you wish to find something that lights you up too?
- Is it the fact that she can work from anywhere in the world? Do you dream of having an online business or a remote job so you can travel while working?
What exactly is it? Take notes!
Asking yourself these questions will help you get to the root cause of your comparison and clarify what you truly want for yourself, making it easier to stop comparing yourself to other women.
9.2 Act on It
Once you’ve identified the reasons for your comparisons, it’s time to act. Don’t put this off! The longer you wait, the longer it will continue to trigger you because deep down you know this is that one thing that was missing.
Start by defining specific and achievable goals. Break those goals down into smaller steps, create an action plan, and decide when you want to achieve each of these steps.
For example, if you wish to work from anywhere in the world, think about finding a business model that excites you and starting it as a side hustle. Or, you could look for remote jobs. Upwork is a great place to find remote work opportunities. Just as an example.
10. Be Inspired & Happy for Others
This is really important to keep in mind: always view comparison as inspiration, not as a threat. Recognizing that other people have something you want is a sign that you can have it too. Instead of seeing others as competition and feeling discouraged by their accomplishments, be happy for them and let their successes inspire you.
Action Step:
When you meet a woman who is crushing it on her journey, take a moment to celebrate her achievements with a compliment instead of comparing her journey to yours. Believe me, the feeling of genuinely being happy for someone else is unmatched!
11. Stop Comparing Your Appearance
Now, this is when comparison gets really unproductive and hurtful.
First, I want you to understand that another woman’s beauty doesn’t take away your own. She is beautiful, but so are you! Also, where does this comparison get you? Right, nowhere.
Because you can’t fundamentally change your looks, you can only enhance them.
Instead of fixating on things you can’t change, embrace and accept your own uniqueness. Just imagine if we all looked the same. How boring would that be?
Action Step 1:
Find a photo of yourself as a child. Look at her. When you’re talking negatively about yourself and saying things like, “Oh no, she is so beautiful and I am not,” or “Her hair is so beautiful and mine isn’t,” you’re also talking to your inner child.
Now, when you see her, would you really say those negative things to her? I doubt it. So, please talk to yourself with the same kindness you would if you were speaking to that child version of you.
I know this has helped me stop the negative self-talk, stop comparing myself to other women, and even learn to love myself more, so I hope it helps you just as much!
Action Step 2:
Focus on improving yourself: wear outfits that suit you and make you feel good, and if you use makeup, use makeup that complements your features. But most importantly, focus on completely loving yourself. Trust me, this is what truly makes you more beautiful and radiant and brings greater happiness to your life.
Action Step 3:
Next time you see a beautiful woman, consider complimenting her in your head (or out loud) instead of falling into the comparison cycle. Simply say, “She is beautiful.” But that’s it! Don’t then pick apart yourself and find things you think aren’t beautiful. Always bring the focus back to you.
Enjoy the Process & Stop Caring What Others Are Doing
I honestly find that this can be very challenging to implement. Often, we just want to reach the end goal immediately. However, we need to understand that it’s never really about the end goal; it’s about the process and the journey that leads us there. It’s about all the ups, the downs, the lessons learned, and the personal growth we experience along the way.
So, what really matters is finding joy and fulfillment in the journey instead of looking left and right to see if someone else is doing “better” or “worse” than you. Everyone’s journey is different, and it’s important to trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. Screw the timeline others have set for you, and let life simply unfold.
And stop caring about what everyone else is doing; focus on yourself and your own life. There should be no time for comparison when you’re busy working on your own growth and happiness.
Be happy and grateful right now, because I’m sure there’s a lot to appreciate in your life. Ultimately, if you’re not happy with what you have right now, you won’t be happy even if you have it all.
Conclusion
I really hope this post has helped you get closer to your goal of how to stop comparing yourself to other women and that you’ve found something valuable in it. Always remember that you are unique just as you are, and it truly doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing. Focus on yourself and your growth, because that’s the only thing you can actually control.
